A Circular Journey to Balance and Wholeness

My spirituality is marked by an ongoing effort to be balanced.  I’ve tried to grow in healthy ways, part of a journey of self-improvement. I’ve found peace in being more wholistic, less compartmentalized and more centered. The best image of that for me is the circle, a powerful ancient symbol for many cultures that speaks to me. It’s the way I often think about my journey towards balance and wholeness.

 My spiritual journey has been more of a circle than a path. As I wander and explore, go forward and regress, I don’t move in a straight line. There’s room in a circle to move around the edges or to go inward and then back out. It’s ultimately a journey to the center, where God dwells. Like a labyrinth, my meandering steps bring me closer to God, who in turn sends me back out to others. 

 Life in community has been a breeding ground of growth for me. I have become more humble and patient, more compassionate and caring. I liked who I was becoming! This development is like tree rings. As experience builds upon experience, it yields wisdom, encompassing all of my past. As I continued to discern my vocation, I was strongly encouraged by this personal growth. I saw myself becoming the best version of myself, who God was calling me to be. This still encourages me that I’m where I’m meant to be.

 I used to think that to be balanced I needed to take one aspect of my life at a time. Attend to one, then another, consecutively. I used to put a lot of energy into focusing on them separately.  I even considered the amount of time I spent on each. I also saw it as a series of choices, as though there was limited room in my life. I thought if I was one thing, I couldn’t be another. An example of this is when I entered novitiate. I had a narrow definition of my identity, seeing myself as an intellectual, which seemed to leave out other abilities or personality traits, like doing menial tasks or being domestic.

 Later in formation, when I desired both solitude and community, I felt tension between them. They seemed to pull at me from opposite directions. At times, it felt like I had to choose one, yet I felt drawn to both. But after some time living in community, I realized I could honor both. There are many paradoxes in life, key aspects that seem to contradict but are equally valid. I achieve balance when I can live it as an AND, not an OR. Disparate parts of our lives aren’t that different and often aren’t actually separate; they can overlap in harmony.

I realized that it’s not a choice between introverted reflection or community life; it’s about finding the rhythm to have both. That rhythm involves going inside myself and then moving out toward others, a spiral motion where I find the energy and clarity to connect with others.  My quest for balance and my appreciation for the complexities of life have helped me see how interwoven aspects of my life are.

It's also clear how much of a blessing that is. I experience that most in my relationships. No wonder, because we’re already connected through a common spiritual father, God. Seeing those connections is always a powerful experience. One of them happened when I was a teenager in my parish youth group. We ended retreats with an affirmation activity, identifying how we saw God in each other sitting in a circle. Each shared this as we threw a ball of yarn, holding onto the end of yarn until it formed a web, a symbol that we were brothers and sisters in Christ. Our connection in Christ was true grace.

Balance helps me to be healthy in a world that is complicated and even dysfunctional. People are complex and so are the relationships and situations I find myself in. I try to find beauty in the realities of being human and to love people as they are. I also seek to engage in a positive, balanced way, contributing that to the situation while remaining healthy myself.

Keeping that balance requires discernment. When I focus on the present, responding to where God is in the moment, I connect to others on a deeper level and can recognize others’ needs better. Through relationships, I can be more authentic, too. The Holy Spirit guides my steps.

It helps me to keep my roots in God and Gospel values, prioritizing what really matters and putting my energy into that gives life purpose and meaning. My relationship with God is important to me and I maintain it through prayer. My values and priorities make choices clearer and efforts are unified in a common direction. Direction encompasses a lot of decisions. For example, once I valued our life together as sisters and was committed to it, I naturally sought it out. There was less tension involved.

This is the simplicity of the value-driven life. St. Francis’ example inspires me in this. He was wholehearted in his love for Jesus and it showed in how he lived. I was a Secular Franciscan before I was a religious sister, and part of our constitution particularly resonated with me. St. Francis prescribes moving from Gospel to life and then from life to the Gospel, bringing that wisdom to our lives and viewing life’s circumstances through that Scripture. It’s a clear path and a direction of the heart, simple and profound.

Simplicity is like a circle.  It has no beginning or end, no quadrants or corners; it’s a whole without fractions. It doesn’t make sense to compartmentalize anymore. I feel invited to embrace the parts of my life in a wholistic way, to bring them all together, united and complete. My “J” brain still resists this at times, but there’s so much wisdom in living this way. I’ve been on a slow journey from knowledge and being in my head to being spiritually wise. When I stopped trying to sort my life into like colors and patterns, as though I’m creating an ordered mandala, something natural and equally beautiful was created. It has its own symmetry. I’ve gone from focusing on the parts to seeing them together.

                 Spiritual growth comes from God, who is the source of life, much like the sun. There’s an abundance of beauty and goodness in this world, in nature and the hearts of God’s children.  I want to seek out energy and inspiration through places, people, and activities that light me up. I can do that through hobbies and interests and trying new things. I can find parts of the mundane or unpleasant that are more positive and bring positive energy to those aspects of my life. There’s always hope.

                Seeking balance and wholeness has been a key feature to my spiritual journey. My progress has been circular, both in movement and spirit. Circle imagery reminds me of my journey and inspires me to grow in simplicity, wisdom, and connection to others.